Nervous Breakdown??

This might be what people call a nervous breakdown! LOL I am finally there. Years of over working myself or over working my brain has finally gotten me to the point where I think I need a vacation. :-)

Things on my mind. WORK! I started a new job! I love my job. I currently still do teach at Head Start but there are many things that I do not enjoy about my job. I LOVE the kids and I love teaching. That's where my heart really is but they quite frankly do not pay me what I'm worth with a masters degree. Sad but true and everyone I work with would agree. So I started a job as a behavioral specialist consultant and mobile therapist. Right now I'm doing a lot of MT hours (not a lot but some) but these all take place after school for most kids. This is so time consuming and hard to accomplish as I work all day at Head Start. So on Friday, I have an interview for another BSC job. This would would be ideal and I could quit my job at Head Start. I have to give HS a 30 day notice which will be hard to do but it would benefit my family a great deal more for me to quit and work only 1 or 2 jobs instead of 3!! I just don't know how I would be able to fit it all in. It would be about a 70 hour a week for a month. That's impossible considering Hal is gone Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday for class and clinicals. I WILL NOT leave my kids in daycare that much. It's not fair to them. So I have a lot of decisions to make. It's difficult as I don't want to screw over Headstart.

Then another topic...BREASTFEEDING! I can not believe I want to say this but I'm so done breastfeeding. Did I mention how many hours I'm working? It's impossible for me to pump as many times at it requires to keep up production. It just isn't working. What's the point of stressing me out more just to give her 1 or maybe 2 bottles a day. Then there is this part of me that says "1-2 bottles is better than none!" I'm so torn on this. I'm a HUGE breastfeeding advocate. I get on my friends who chose not to breastfeed. I totally respect their choice but hope that they at least try it. It's so much better for them. But with Paige not being able to actually breastfeed, I'm draining in all these pumping sessions. 8-12 times a day is the recommended pumping amount. I am (on a good day) pumping only 4 times. I have a life to live and kids to raise. I do NOT have the time to sit around and pump. Wish I did, God knows I wish I did!

So I'm a bit on the stressed side right now. I'm trying to juggle more things than I have the hands for. It's rough! Then there is always Owen's homework, Madison in general, taking care of Paige, NAM appts for Hal and the kids, being home when Hal is at clinicals, scheduling clients. Boy am I tired. So bear with me if I get a little grumpy!

Upcoming Appts

Paige's appt schedule for those who want to know. :)

October 28 2:00 NAM Adjustment at Children's Hospital

November 3 1:00- Pediatric Appt at Meadville

November 4th 11:00- NAM adjustment

November 5th: ENT SURGERY!!

November 13th: NAM ADJUSTMENT, Eye appt

Who's here??

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Cry a little with me!

True and honest blog...

Today I was reading on a message board I frequent. A woman wrote that she had a baby born born August 2009 and was still born. She was directed to another forum with other wonderful woman who have dealt with the same. I decided to follow this direction and head over to listen to her story! Sad! I was reading about all these poor woman who during their pregnancy found out that their baby had passed away. Many of them actually had pictures of their sleeping babies. So tiny, so fragile and so innocent. I had to stop and just take a sigh of relief for my little Paige. There are many days when I think "why us!?" Why did we get picked to be her parents. Why did she get picked with this "gift?" I have these days less frequent now but they are still there at times. Then, when I read about these other stories, I stop and humble myself. We are blessed! Paige is a beautiful little girl who smiles every single day. These babies will never give their Mom their first smile! As I sat there reading these stories, I just hugged Paige a little more. She is perfect! She is here with us blessing us each and every day!

I seriously look past the clefts anymore. I remember reading back when she was first born from moms who had cleft babies. They would talk about how they missed their baby's smiles after surgery. That the baby looks so much different and it was a shock. I remember thinking "NO WAY I won't miss that cleft at all!" And you know what, I will. I will miss her big gummy smile. I will miss all those because that is her! That is my precious Paige right now. Will I miss putting in her NAM every day and taking it out at every feeding? NO WAY! But I will miss those cute smiles and chubby cheeks!

So a note of new found wisdom, take a moment today and think about the one thing in your life that saddens you. Really think about it because I guarantee you, there is someone who is dealing with more than you are!

8 weeks old!

Check out my beautiful baby Paige at 8 weeks old! Isn't she just so sweet!

Friendship

Jen- I sit here looking for a friendship poem to show how much I appreciate our endless hours of bitching, crying, and heart warming conversations. But, as you know I'm not a sappy person and all I could find was "glad we are friends" "when we first met" blah blah blah! So here's straight and to the point...

Thank you for the endless years of friendship where we can talk about anything. Tonight was refreshing!

Ode to Paige

PERFECT BEAUTY
by Joanne Green


The Great Sphynx of Egypt has, over the years, Lost her nose.


Venus de Milo has no arms,


And the Liberty Bell sports a great, wide crack.

And yet each of these is considered to be a thing of beauty,


A standard of perfection.


And so it must be that we do not, as one might imagine,


Look to perfection in order to see beauty,


But rather, we look to beauty,


And thereby see perfection.