I am looking forward to...

Girls NIGHT OUT!! Next week! YEAH!!!

This will be one of the few girls nights out that I can actually consume alcohol! :)

Beautiful Poem

A fragile butterfly
lights beside us
like a ray of sunshine.
For a fleeting moment
its majesty and beauty
belong to this world.
All too soon it flies
on again, and though
we wish it could
have stay,
we feel so luck
to have seen it.

It's getting "easier"

The last few days have been hard. When I found out I was pregnant, I announced it to the world! I posted it on my website (www.simply4women), myspace, emails, and then on here (it has since been deleted!). I wanted the world to know that we were having a precious baby in June. Problem is, many people did not see the newest update of "no more baby!" So I have had very supportive people give me their well wishes for this new baby. Then, I have to tell them there no longer is a baby. That is so hard to do. I just want to say how well things should have been. I'm holding strong through this all because Hal and I have both agreed, we want baby #3 soon! We will not be waiting to have a summer baby this time around. In time, we know we will get pregnant again. Until then, I will just have to pray that things go okay.

Hal and I also agreed that we will wait 8 weeks before we tell. Now, if you know me, you know I stink at secrets. So we shall see. I think I'll make a mental note how many times I mess up and tell someone when it happens. LOL :)

So as things get easier, I feel more confident in having baby #3.

Happy Halloween!

We had a great time trick or treating last night. This was the first time Madison walked to the door. Last year she spent the time in the stroller. This year, she was at the door and saying "candy!" and then that progressed to "please candy!" and then to "Trick or Treat Please" so it was very cute! Owen was an angel and said his please and thank you each time!

Here's some pictures for your enjoyment! Madison was Bedtime Bear (carebear) and Owen was Iron Man.

Walking on Egg Shells

People look at me like I might break down at any minute. I have one thing going for me at this point in time, God. I know that I have a blessed life. I know that God only gives us what we can handle and apparantly he thinks we can handle this. I have a lot of support from family and friends. It helps when people understand "me." Yes, I tend to get fustrated with people easily. Yes, I tend to get moody. Yes, I'm stubborn (yes Melissa V., I admit that) But, it does help that my family and friends can simply reach out and say how sorry they are. Nothing more really needs to be said. It just helps. Thank you.

Managing

Things are better. I can say better because I am no longer completely miserable. The doctor gave me some vicodin for the pain I was having. It made me really sick and unable to focus or function. It was hard.

I had more blood work yesterday and the results indicated that I am miscarrying okay. The numbers were cut in half in only 48 hours. So hopefully that will mean that I will not need to have a D&C.

We told Owen the news. He took it very well for as well as a 4 year old can. He said it wasn't fine but that he didn't want to talk about it. He hasn't asked anything since. I know he knows that Mommy and Daddy are upset about something but he is truly been an angel through this all. Madison does not understand and I am glad about that. She never understood that there was a baby and now that there is not a baby.

The question has been asked already, so I just will answer it. Yes we will have another child. We will wait till my doctors okay but we will hopefully have another child in the next year. I pray that this time everything goes well as I know it will. Please do not be surprised if we do not talk about having another baby as I do not know if we will be announcing the next time so soon. I now understand why people wait to tell family and friends.

Thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, or stop by to let us know your support through this. It means a lot to know that we have a wonderful support system when we need it. You truthfully know who your friends are when you experience something so awful. I am thankful for everyone who has come together for us.

The news we never wanted to hear!

As I type this, I am NOT crying, I am in a matter of fact mode. I don't believe I could cry anymore.

The day before yesterday, I began to start cramping and spot just a little bit. I worried some and then I didn't. I spotted with both my perfect pregnancies. I thought it was just something my body did for a short time and then it was over. But, then it didn't stop. I was cramping so much and it really hurt. So yesterday, I called the dr and they sent me in for a ultra sound. IN an emergency situation, the techs will not tell you anything on the screen. SO I had to wait and call my dr afterward. I did and they said that I was measuring at 5 weeks 2days. They did not see a baby or a heartbeat. They said it was probably just too soon and decided to do another u/s next week. I was not pleased with this decision but figured I would just wait. I didn't get to wait long. When I got home, I was having more spotting, only this time it was bright red. I found a babysitter and Hal and I headed to the ER. After an IV for fluids, 2 blood tests, exam, and urine test. The dr gave us the worst news ever.

My exam showed that my cervix was slightly open and there was blood around it.
My urine came back without any problems.

The worst..

My blood result came back with a pregnancy hormal scale of 376. For week 6 of my pregnancy, this number should be over 3,000!! I was pregnant but the baby was not developing for some unknown reason.

I miscarried our child. I woke this morning and the process has started. Hal and I are completely torn up about this. I am being strong because I know God has a plan for us all but this is incredibly hard and I just want to forget all about it. Our beautiful baby was not growing for some reason and now I am left with that scar.

I have many friends who have had miscarriages. I honestly never ever in a million years would have thought it would happen to me. I am healthy and take care of myself. I do the best I can. There is nothing that I did or anyone else...our baby had something wrong. I knew there was something wrong when I was not having very many symptoms of pregnancy. After 2 beautiful, perfect pregnancies, it's not hard to notice a difference and this baby was completely different.

I pray that in time God will give us a beautiful baby. I am going to the dr again this morning to discuss our issues and to make sure I am miscarrying effectively. There is basically no tissue to miscarry as he/she never actually grew big enough for that to happen.

Please pray for us. The hardest thing is going to be telling Owen that he will not be getting a baby brother. I might have tears left for that.

Love you all!